Anyone in this world could tell you that they have, at some point in their life, been emotionally wounded by someone. Let's face facts: it's usually the opposite sex. Guys can be clueless, dumb, or just plain rude in order to get what they want. Girls likewise. I don't want anyone to think that I don't understand how stupid, selfish, and stuck up girls can be. It's the absolute truth, and I won't deny it. But I also want people to understand that I'm not going to back down on this one either: guys can hurt really badly if they want to.
I encountered one such guy. I'm not saying that he said to himself, "Hey, I think I'll go make Sylvia writhe in pain for a while just to shake things up a bit." I understand that it was not a personal attack on my character, on my personality, or on me in general. But I did feel like I got the raw end of the deal. I did feel like things were handled in a way that was disrespectful. And I did feel like I got handed something that I didn't deserve. I was a good girlfriend- I was a devoted, faithful, and caring companion. I did all I could to serve, show my support, and love him. I put everything I had into that relationship. All my cards were on the table. And all I got was, "Oh hey, my ex-fiancee just emailed me and told me she wanted to marry me... So I'm going to go marry her."
What could I have done differently? Nothing. I couldn't have done a darn thing to make things turn out the way I wanted at that point. Knowing this, I realized that this was completely out of my control. This particular situation was outside of my "Circle of Influence". Understanding that there are things inside and outside of that circle makes all the difference in the world. Back when this first happened, I understood that. I understood that there wasn't anything I could do to fix this, and I knew that it would probably be for my benefit in the end.
Now fast forward to the beginning of this year. I was up at school again after a five-month break. I had all the classes I wanted at the times I wanted them. I had a fresh start. So I walked into my first class Wednesday morning and got prepared to start taking notes. Someone got called on to say the prayer so I bowed my head. Guess whose voice I heard? Yep, that one guy. The moment words started pouring from his mouth, my heart sunk right into my seat. "I thought I was done having to be around him," I thought to myself. It's not like I wanted to be his woman anymore, it was the fact that I had to go to class Monday-Wednesday-Friday with him that I didn't appreciate. I had all these negative feelings about him that I thought would go away with time, but this class made it even harder for me. I knew I wasn't completely over his disrespect. "Enough is enough!" I whispered through gritted teeth. This couldn't be handled through the strength of men. I needed the Atonement to help me forgive him because I haven't been able to do it for myself.
This past Sunday, I was able to talk with my home teacher about it. I know that he was assigned to be our home teacher for a reason because he said precisely what I needed to hear. He talked to me about blame and all the baggage that comes with blame. He also brought up an interesting point about each person on this earth. Everyone here made the choice in heaven to keep their first estate. They were valiant enough to follow Christ, knowing that there would be hard times and trials. Because of that, we have agency. There are people on this earth that choose not to use their own agency, but to have others choose for them. They follow the crowd. They get pushed around. They live the life that everyone else wants them to live. So when someone uses their agency instead of being acted upon, they deserve respect. It doesn't matter if their agency affects you or your mother or whomever. What matters is that they have right to use their agency. This realization was the first step to letting go. My home teacher also told me that I was not allowed to let the spirit go away when I was around this guy. In order to do this, I needed to stop every single one of the negative associations that I have with him. If I ever had a negative thought about him, the spirit would leave instantly. Lastly, there is no way that I can ever expect anything out of him because he has made Temple Covenants with another woman. If he ever feels anything for me even in the slightest, he would be breaking a temple covenant. The most important thing on this list for me was making good associations with him. It wasn't about thinking about the "good ol' days", but merely having good thoughts when he was around. My home teacher said, "I can GUARANTEE that you were put in the same class for a reason. Heavenly Father wanted you to learn something you couldn't have if you saw him on campus only every once in a while. He was putting you through this to learn a lesson. Now you have 6 weeks to figure out what that lesson was."
So what is my plan of attack? Well, it's staying positive. It's thinking good thoughts and having the spirit with me, especially when I have to interact with him. It's having the guts to be the first one to say hi if we cross paths. It's keeping on top of my spiritual game. It's realizing that there are people out there who deserve my trust, and I need to give it to them. It's accepting that I am in a position to use my agency to make my own life happy and meaningful. It's discovering the freedom of forgiveness.
"Kindness may not be reciprocated, but it is never wasted." -Vaughn J. Featherstone
No comments:
Post a Comment