The Freedom of Forgiveness

Anyone in this world could tell you that they have, at some point in their life, been emotionally wounded by someone. Let's face facts: it's usually the opposite sex. Guys can be clueless, dumb, or just plain rude in order to get what they want. Girls likewise. I don't want anyone to think that I don't understand how stupid, selfish, and stuck up girls can be. It's the absolute truth, and I won't deny it. But I also want people to understand that I'm not going to back down on this one either: guys can hurt really badly if they want to.

I encountered one such guy. I'm not saying that he said to himself, "Hey, I think I'll go make Sylvia writhe in pain for a while just to shake things up a bit." I understand that it was not a personal attack on my character, on my personality, or on me in general. But I did feel like I got the raw end of the deal. I did feel like things were handled in a way that was disrespectful. And I did feel like I got handed something that I didn't deserve. I was a good girlfriend- I was a devoted, faithful, and caring companion. I did all I could to serve, show my support, and love him. I put everything I had into that relationship. All my cards were on the table. And all I got was, "Oh hey, my ex-fiancee just emailed me and told me she wanted to marry me... So I'm going to go marry her."

What could I have done differently? Nothing. I couldn't have done a darn thing to make things turn out the way I wanted at that point. Knowing this, I realized that this was completely out of my control. This particular situation was outside of my "Circle of Influence". Understanding that there are things inside and outside of that circle makes all the difference in the world. Back when this first happened, I understood that. I understood that there wasn't anything I could do to fix this, and I knew that it would probably be for my benefit in the end.

Now fast forward to the beginning of this year. I was up at school again after a five-month break. I had all the classes I wanted at the times I wanted them. I had a fresh start. So I walked into my first class Wednesday morning and got prepared to start taking notes. Someone got called on to say the prayer so I bowed my head. Guess whose voice I heard? Yep, that one guy. The moment words started pouring from his mouth, my heart sunk right into my seat. "I thought I was done having to be around him," I thought to myself. It's not like I wanted to be his woman anymore, it was the fact that I had to go to class Monday-Wednesday-Friday with him that I didn't appreciate. I had all these negative feelings about him that I thought would go away with time, but this class made it even harder for me. I knew I wasn't completely over his disrespect. "Enough is enough!" I whispered through gritted teeth. This couldn't be handled through the strength of men. I needed the Atonement to help me forgive him because I haven't been able to do it for myself.

This past Sunday, I was able to talk with my home teacher about it. I know that he was assigned to be our home teacher for a reason because he said precisely what I needed to hear. He talked to me about blame and all the baggage that comes with blame. He also brought up an interesting point about each person on this earth. Everyone here made the choice in heaven to keep their first estate. They were valiant enough to follow Christ, knowing that there would be hard times and trials. Because of that, we have agency. There are people on this earth that choose not to use their own agency, but to have others choose for them. They follow the crowd. They get pushed around. They live the life that everyone else wants them to live. So when someone uses their agency instead of being acted upon, they deserve respect. It doesn't matter if their agency affects you or your mother or whomever. What matters is that they have right to use their agency. This realization was the first step to letting go. My home teacher also told me that I was not allowed to let the spirit go away when I was around this guy. In order to do this, I needed to stop every single one of the negative associations that I have with him. If I ever had a negative thought about him, the spirit would leave instantly. Lastly, there is no way that I can ever expect anything out of him because he has made Temple Covenants with another woman. If he ever feels anything for me even in the slightest, he would be breaking a temple covenant. The most important thing on this list for me was making good associations with him. It wasn't about thinking about the "good ol' days", but merely having good thoughts when he was around. My home teacher said, "I can GUARANTEE that you were put in the same class for a reason. Heavenly Father wanted you to learn something you couldn't have if you saw him on campus only every once in a while. He was putting you through this to learn a lesson. Now you have 6 weeks to figure out what that lesson was."

So what is my plan of attack? Well, it's staying positive. It's thinking good thoughts and having the spirit with me, especially when I have to interact with him. It's having the guts to be the first one to say hi if we cross paths. It's keeping on top of my spiritual game. It's realizing that there are people out there who deserve my trust, and I need to give it to them. It's accepting that I am in a position to use my agency to make my own life happy and meaningful. It's discovering the freedom of forgiveness.

"Kindness may not be reciprocated, but it is never wasted." -Vaughn J. Featherstone

Salt Lake and the Effects Thereof.

This past weekend, I was able to go down to Salt Lake. The week before, as mentioned in the last post, was really cold in Rexburg. It was the "my-face-is-so-cold-I-can't-tell-if-it's-still-there-anymore" cold. Then we went to Salt Lake, where it was a warm and comfortable 60 degrees. That was a welcome temperature. I had a light jacket on, and I was able to take pictures without my hands getting too cold to feel the shutter button. And boy did I take pictures! It was my Uncle Kelly's Funeral, so I had the opportunity to take lots of meaningful pictures in Kanosh. Kanosh is this tiny town off the beaten path that has a lot of sentimental value for the Watts side of my family. It's a quaint little town that holds lots of memories for them. I'm glad we were all able to go as a family, and I'm glad that I have learned enough about my camera that I got some decent shots. I saw cousins that I haven't seen in 3 years, so there were some definite Kodak moments. The Watts Brothers.

My Grandparents.

The beautiful casket.


Josh (my cousin, left) poking fun at Stan (my uncle, right).

A perfect ending to a wonderful day.

There are a lot more where this came from, but I thought just a handful would suffice. I was playing around with the exposure settings because the sun was so bright that day. Definitely an interesting and new challenge that I needed to get used to. The funeral was beautiful, the day was beautiful, everything was beautiful. It was so good to see all of my family again!

The next day, Monika (my roommate who came and stayed with us) and I went to Temple Square. She had a sister missionary she wanted to see who unfortunately couldn't fit us into her schedule. We decided to walk around the grounds and take pictures instead. The sun shone for us, yet again, and you could actually feel the sun beating on you! It made for some gorgeous pictures.

So that was a total success. Yay! But now, it's Sunday, and I haven't done any of my homework, including my midterm take-home exam that's due Monday in class. I have a strict no-homework-on-Sunday rule for myself (if you do homework on Sunday, I'm not judging--it's just a personal opinion). But, come on. This was the midterm exam! It needed to get done! I also had other homework that needed to get done as well! After giving it much thought, I decided to stick to my guns and not do it on Sunday. I was going to get up extra early (4:00 to be exact) to get my homework done. Everything was running smoothly. I was able to get up, and study for an hour beforehand (because I had had no time to study over the weekend), and then take my test. I had a different class at 7:45 that morning. The midterm was so difficult that I decided that I had better just skip that class so I could finish it by 10:15, which was when my English Lit class started. Honestly, the test was a whole bunch of quotes from short stories that we have been reading from all semester long, and I had to say which story it was from, who in the story said it, and what the context was when the person said it. Ridiculous! Fortunately, I had kept up really well with the reading, so I did pretty well. All in all, I did come out on top. This week of midterms is now over, and I did not have to break the rule I have given to myself. It all worked out!

Ode to Juanita

My first semester of college, I was starting to get tired of dealing with people. I had unfortunately had a couple of experiences that persuaded me to be more anti-social. What could I do to fill the void that I was creating for myself? Make new friends? Sure, but that required effort. I would have loved to get a dog, but my schedule didn't really allow for the training of a new puppy. Plus, I lived in a student apartment complex that wouldn't allow dogs. After thinking for a while, I decided to get a Betta fish. Sure, they're not very fun to snuggle with, but it would be nice to have someone "on my side" if things were to go sour with roommates or something. I texted my neighbor (who had a car) and asked her to take me to Wal-Mart so I could buy a Betta. I searched through the selection--which was pretty good for Wal-Mart--and decided on a little pink, red, and blue one. She became my little Juanita. For the first couple of days, she didn't seem to be doing very much, even for a fish. She just stayed in one spot and didn't do much. My neighbor finally told me, "Wal-Mart drugs the fish they have so that they don't have to feed their fish as much. Just wait a while and the drugs will wear off." And it was the truth. Boy did she move! Juanita was a perfect-fitting name for her. She would zip around the bowl and then spread out her fins. She loved flipping those things around. She was so fun just to watch! I would catch myself looking up from my homework at her for quite some time, watching her stop and then decide to zoom around the bowl.

Lately, she has taken to poking around in the rocks at the bottom of the bowl. One morning, I heard a bunch of the rocks move, and I couldn't see my little Juanita in there anymore! I couldn't see where she had gone! I searched around, and finally I saw that she dove completely into the rocks. I took a pen and moved all the rocks to see if she was alright, and she wriggled out just like she usually does. Now that I'm in a new apartment complex, I'm actually not supposed to have fish anymore. I decided that every time we would have clean checks that I would simply hide her in my closet. Yes, my little Juanita became an illegal alien.

Today, however, she ventured again into the rocks. She dove into the rocks wholeheartedly, just like before. I was not there to save her. I came home and couldn't see her in the bowl again, so I looked down at the bottom. There she was, in between all the rocks at the bottom. I took a pen a moved the rocks, but she didn't wriggle out like she did before. Yes, she finally met her Maker today. So this is to my poor little Juanita: thanks for being the best and most enjoyable fish I've ever or will ever own. It was a pleasure taking care of you. You had your own personality, and I'm glad I got to know you. You're off to new adventures now!

My Winter Wonderland

Oh, Rexburg. Beautiful Rexburg. It is a good place to be. At this stage of the game, it's a pretty cold place to be as well. Our highs are around 5 degrees and our lows around -30. We also have a major phenomenon called windchill, which makes 5 degrees seem like -20. There are so many things about cold weather that are so incredibly annoying, but there are good things about it too. Let me go into detail about either side.

First, let me show you why it pretty much bites. When I am about to walk out the door after a good 50 minutes of hard core cycling, the lung-shattering cold is not welcome. I feel like I should be breathing deeply to catch my breath, but it hurts too much. So I grab a scarf--no big deal. I'll just cover my face with my scarf. Oh wait, too bad the moisture from your breath makes the scarf freeze to your face. At least your lungs are spared somewhat, right? I could just get help chiseling off the scarf from a cute boy or something. When I walk inside to get help from said cute boy, however, all of the stuff that has frozen inside my nose melts, resulting in embarrassing snot running like a tap out of my nose (which isn't super attractive). I guess that plan is shot. Also, for some reason, people don't shovel their sidewalks. Where I'm from, you could get in a lot of trouble with the law if someone were to slip on the sidewalk in front of your house. Here, they don't even bother with shoveling or with salt. It makes walking quickly to class a hazard. The university is really good about keeping the sidewalks shoveled, but anywhere else, you're on your own. I actually found out recently that BYU-Idaho and the Temple have heated sidewalks. Cool, huh? I always wondered how they could stay so on top of the snowfall.

The charms of Rexburg in the wintertime, on the other hand, are quite wonderful. Ice sculpting is a big part of Rexburg these days. There have been larger-than-life-size beakers made from snow outside the Romney Building (the science building), and people went out and spray painted lines to show the mL on the side of the glass. Another popular one is the big Buddah right outside the library. I was pretty impressed by the Buddah, so I thought I would get some shots of it. Unfortunately, the day after I took this picture, Buddah got beheaded. Sad day.

Another perk of all the ice is that President Clark has asked that the young men help the young women over the ice by providing a stabilizing arm. This is, in theory, a really great thing for everyone. Cute guy, cute girl, potential date, potential hook up, etc. It can get super awkward if it isn't the handsome, outgoing, knight in shining armor you were hoping for; but at least you're not going to fall on your tush.

Photography in the wintertime gets interesting. You have to be creative in order to get something beautiful. You can't count on the thing itself being beautiful (like flowers or cute furry animals), but you have to make it beautiful by the way you portray it. You learn how to take pictures of things that make the mundane seem extraordinary. My teacher thought that we were all gutsy in taking the class during the winter, but she said, "You'll learn how to get out of the ordinary beauty that everyone can see and get into the extraordinary beauty that not everyone can see." I am glad I took photography in the winter for this very reason.

Rexburg is my home. I love it here! All of the little quirks about the place just make it an adventure. It's a true fact that home is where you make it, and for now, I'm making mine in Rexburg, Idaho, home of BYU-Idaho.