The Cost of Idiocy

Boy am I grateful for my mom. She called me today and said, "I think you're getting overdrafted in your bank account. Would you mind looking and seeing how much money you have left in your checking account?" I did. Overdraft? Yes. Whose fault? My stupid thought: "We need to have a fetchin' DVD Player in our apartment so we can watch movies with friends!" Ay. I'm so happy that we have a DVD player, but instead of the $30 dollars I paid for it, I paid $60 on top of that in overdraft charges because I got excited. What a joke! I wouldn't buy a DVD player for $90! But looky here, I just did.

How many times do I neglect doing the little stuff, like checking my bank account and not going off of memory how much I have in there, and get really upset when things blow up? Well, if I had just looked for Pete's sake (or my own in this case, I suppose) I would have only paid $30 for a DVD player. Good grief I feel like an idiot.

So now I ask myself, what other things do I do just like that? Do I expect my body to run on 3 hours of sleep then get angry when I fall asleep in class? Do I expect my ipod to sing to me all the time then get upset when it dies? Stretching things to their limits all the time makes it so that I can't get anything done.

Lesson learned: check ups now save lots of money later!

Rocks First, Then Sand

Spring Semester is the fun semester of the year. Homework can be done outside, games can be played, memories created. How wonderful it is to be living amongst friends during a warm time of the year! However, if schedules are too tight, that doesn't allow for any decent playing time. If you're just doing homework all the time, you're missing out on life! If you're just playing all the time, you're either worried the entire time that your homework isn't getting done, or you are going to flunk out of your classes! And who wants to pay $2,000 to play with your friends?

I, unfortunately, seem to have myself in such a predicament. Here I am, typing away at this blog when dozens of homework assignments are calling to be completed. Friends are aching to be spoken with and comforted. Employers are waiting to be doted upon. And yet, here I sit, still writing. How am I doing this, you ask? Well, it's all about the rocks and the sand.

The rocks and the sand change each day. Sometimes, I sit down and studiously do my homework because that is what needs to get done. Sometimes, my sweet roommate (who is unfortunately going through quite the rough patch right now) needs someone to listen to her. Sometimes, my brain is so fried that if I were to work on homework, it would take twice as long to accomplish it than if I did something recreational for a few minutes and then returned back to homework. But determining what comes first when is the tricky part. There is no possible way that I could sit and do homework while my friends hearts are aching inside, pain written all over their faces. But there is no way that I could talk to them for 10 hours each day and expect the Lord to help me get good grades. As much as I love talking and socializing a being there for people, sometimes the homework needs to get rock status.

So how do you discern that?

Well, you pray. The Lord understands each of our needs and desires, and He will help us be able to accomplish the things that He needs us to accomplish based on our desires. We are instruments in His hands. If Heavenly Father needs me to do homework for a class in order to serve a certain purpose down the line, homework wins. If Heavenly Father needs me to be there for a friend, friend wins. It is all about Him. From me right this moment, He needs the sanity of my brain and the calmness of my heart. The rest of the day will go a whole lot better if I have those two things.

It all hangs in the balance.

Spring is in the Air

*Inhale deeply* Yep, spring is coming. I can finally feel it.

Spring Semester at BYU-Idaho is always the best. It means doing homework outside, going to lakes and caves on the weekends, shooting guns, throwing frisbees, getting caught in huge rainstorms with the wind going 40 miles per hour, and having random adventures with your friends. It is the best time of year to be here, and I wouldn't miss it for the world. This picture here is of my friend Tony- he showed me how to throw knives today.



The great thing about having one semester end and another begin is that I feel like I can start all over again in the spring-time attitude. I feel fortunate that I get a fresh start right when the weather turns nice. There is something about blossoms and flower scent and warm weather that makes you want to change your life. I always feel like spring is the time when I can make changes in my life and drop all the baggage I have been carrying throughout the entire winter. What a relief it is when you can finally leave all the depression of winter behind and reawaken into spring. I love it!

So this is me, shedding off my suffocating coat of winter.

Ah, that's better. It's good to get that off. This upcoming week is finals week (for real this time, it's the big "turn in all your projects and take all your tests right..... NOW) and it will be good to have my spring attitude rather than my depressing winter attitude. I can do this! I will kick trash on my finals. No problem. Just gotta keep telling myself that. I'll see you on the other side of finals! (Then I'll really be in the spring mood.)

His Eye is on the Sparrow

Oh beloved March. You bring warmth to Rexburg (warmth meaning a couple of degrees above freezing... yay!), the nearness of the end of the semester, and March Madness! No, this is not the basketball March Madness--which I heard all about the guy getting kicked off of the BYU team for an honor code violation--this is the March Madness where you read the entire Book of Mormon in the month of March. It's something I try to do every year, and it has really blessed my life. This read-through of the Book of Mormon helps me piece all of the stories together, while reading it throughout the year helps me pull out deep doctrine. I like both ways, and it's refreshing to just plow through the Book of Mormon once in a while.

Lately I have been feeling a little lonely. It's not that I don't have a wonderful family to support me, or an incredible roommate to help me as well, but I just felt alone for some reason. I don't have any idea what caused this, but March Madness has come through for me again. I came across a scripture in 2 Nephi 4:26-28 that reads,

"...if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, and why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy? Awake my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and no more give place for the enemy of my soul."

These scriptures feed my soul. It may be because I'm an English major, but these words have so much meaning behind them. I can honestly say that my soul has lingered in the valley of sorrow. Linger is such a good word for this feeling--you think to yourself, "You know, I could leave if I want, but I think I'll linger just a little longer." I have totally felt that before. "I could be happy if I really put forth an effort, but I think I'll linger in the 'valley of sorrow' a little longer." How dull!

Do we ever get caught up in the excuse of, "it's okay this one time, I'm human anyway,"? Yes, we are all human. We all make mistakes. But we can't let that deter us from trying to be better each day. I am not saying we need to be perfect. I am saying we should be getting better as we gain more experience. This is something I have struggled with, so don't worry, I'm not judging.

I am so grateful for the scriptures and for the truths they contain. I am so grateful that I have the ability to truly dig deep and study them for myself and still not find a single discrepancy within the scriptures that cannot be answered. It is so comforting to know that there is a book out there that I can rely on to help me get through the day more happily. I know that the Book of Mormon is the most correct book and can bring a man closer to God than any other book. It is something I cherish greatly.

I'd like to close with the lyrics of a song I love called "His Eye is on the Sparrow"

"Why should I feel discouraged?
Or why should the shadows come?
Oh why should my heart feel lonely,
and long for Heaven and home?
For Jesus is my portion;
a constant friend is He.
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches over me."

The Freedom of Forgiveness

Anyone in this world could tell you that they have, at some point in their life, been emotionally wounded by someone. Let's face facts: it's usually the opposite sex. Guys can be clueless, dumb, or just plain rude in order to get what they want. Girls likewise. I don't want anyone to think that I don't understand how stupid, selfish, and stuck up girls can be. It's the absolute truth, and I won't deny it. But I also want people to understand that I'm not going to back down on this one either: guys can hurt really badly if they want to.

I encountered one such guy. I'm not saying that he said to himself, "Hey, I think I'll go make Sylvia writhe in pain for a while just to shake things up a bit." I understand that it was not a personal attack on my character, on my personality, or on me in general. But I did feel like I got the raw end of the deal. I did feel like things were handled in a way that was disrespectful. And I did feel like I got handed something that I didn't deserve. I was a good girlfriend- I was a devoted, faithful, and caring companion. I did all I could to serve, show my support, and love him. I put everything I had into that relationship. All my cards were on the table. And all I got was, "Oh hey, my ex-fiancee just emailed me and told me she wanted to marry me... So I'm going to go marry her."

What could I have done differently? Nothing. I couldn't have done a darn thing to make things turn out the way I wanted at that point. Knowing this, I realized that this was completely out of my control. This particular situation was outside of my "Circle of Influence". Understanding that there are things inside and outside of that circle makes all the difference in the world. Back when this first happened, I understood that. I understood that there wasn't anything I could do to fix this, and I knew that it would probably be for my benefit in the end.

Now fast forward to the beginning of this year. I was up at school again after a five-month break. I had all the classes I wanted at the times I wanted them. I had a fresh start. So I walked into my first class Wednesday morning and got prepared to start taking notes. Someone got called on to say the prayer so I bowed my head. Guess whose voice I heard? Yep, that one guy. The moment words started pouring from his mouth, my heart sunk right into my seat. "I thought I was done having to be around him," I thought to myself. It's not like I wanted to be his woman anymore, it was the fact that I had to go to class Monday-Wednesday-Friday with him that I didn't appreciate. I had all these negative feelings about him that I thought would go away with time, but this class made it even harder for me. I knew I wasn't completely over his disrespect. "Enough is enough!" I whispered through gritted teeth. This couldn't be handled through the strength of men. I needed the Atonement to help me forgive him because I haven't been able to do it for myself.

This past Sunday, I was able to talk with my home teacher about it. I know that he was assigned to be our home teacher for a reason because he said precisely what I needed to hear. He talked to me about blame and all the baggage that comes with blame. He also brought up an interesting point about each person on this earth. Everyone here made the choice in heaven to keep their first estate. They were valiant enough to follow Christ, knowing that there would be hard times and trials. Because of that, we have agency. There are people on this earth that choose not to use their own agency, but to have others choose for them. They follow the crowd. They get pushed around. They live the life that everyone else wants them to live. So when someone uses their agency instead of being acted upon, they deserve respect. It doesn't matter if their agency affects you or your mother or whomever. What matters is that they have right to use their agency. This realization was the first step to letting go. My home teacher also told me that I was not allowed to let the spirit go away when I was around this guy. In order to do this, I needed to stop every single one of the negative associations that I have with him. If I ever had a negative thought about him, the spirit would leave instantly. Lastly, there is no way that I can ever expect anything out of him because he has made Temple Covenants with another woman. If he ever feels anything for me even in the slightest, he would be breaking a temple covenant. The most important thing on this list for me was making good associations with him. It wasn't about thinking about the "good ol' days", but merely having good thoughts when he was around. My home teacher said, "I can GUARANTEE that you were put in the same class for a reason. Heavenly Father wanted you to learn something you couldn't have if you saw him on campus only every once in a while. He was putting you through this to learn a lesson. Now you have 6 weeks to figure out what that lesson was."

So what is my plan of attack? Well, it's staying positive. It's thinking good thoughts and having the spirit with me, especially when I have to interact with him. It's having the guts to be the first one to say hi if we cross paths. It's keeping on top of my spiritual game. It's realizing that there are people out there who deserve my trust, and I need to give it to them. It's accepting that I am in a position to use my agency to make my own life happy and meaningful. It's discovering the freedom of forgiveness.

"Kindness may not be reciprocated, but it is never wasted." -Vaughn J. Featherstone

Salt Lake and the Effects Thereof.

This past weekend, I was able to go down to Salt Lake. The week before, as mentioned in the last post, was really cold in Rexburg. It was the "my-face-is-so-cold-I-can't-tell-if-it's-still-there-anymore" cold. Then we went to Salt Lake, where it was a warm and comfortable 60 degrees. That was a welcome temperature. I had a light jacket on, and I was able to take pictures without my hands getting too cold to feel the shutter button. And boy did I take pictures! It was my Uncle Kelly's Funeral, so I had the opportunity to take lots of meaningful pictures in Kanosh. Kanosh is this tiny town off the beaten path that has a lot of sentimental value for the Watts side of my family. It's a quaint little town that holds lots of memories for them. I'm glad we were all able to go as a family, and I'm glad that I have learned enough about my camera that I got some decent shots. I saw cousins that I haven't seen in 3 years, so there were some definite Kodak moments. The Watts Brothers.

My Grandparents.

The beautiful casket.


Josh (my cousin, left) poking fun at Stan (my uncle, right).

A perfect ending to a wonderful day.

There are a lot more where this came from, but I thought just a handful would suffice. I was playing around with the exposure settings because the sun was so bright that day. Definitely an interesting and new challenge that I needed to get used to. The funeral was beautiful, the day was beautiful, everything was beautiful. It was so good to see all of my family again!

The next day, Monika (my roommate who came and stayed with us) and I went to Temple Square. She had a sister missionary she wanted to see who unfortunately couldn't fit us into her schedule. We decided to walk around the grounds and take pictures instead. The sun shone for us, yet again, and you could actually feel the sun beating on you! It made for some gorgeous pictures.

So that was a total success. Yay! But now, it's Sunday, and I haven't done any of my homework, including my midterm take-home exam that's due Monday in class. I have a strict no-homework-on-Sunday rule for myself (if you do homework on Sunday, I'm not judging--it's just a personal opinion). But, come on. This was the midterm exam! It needed to get done! I also had other homework that needed to get done as well! After giving it much thought, I decided to stick to my guns and not do it on Sunday. I was going to get up extra early (4:00 to be exact) to get my homework done. Everything was running smoothly. I was able to get up, and study for an hour beforehand (because I had had no time to study over the weekend), and then take my test. I had a different class at 7:45 that morning. The midterm was so difficult that I decided that I had better just skip that class so I could finish it by 10:15, which was when my English Lit class started. Honestly, the test was a whole bunch of quotes from short stories that we have been reading from all semester long, and I had to say which story it was from, who in the story said it, and what the context was when the person said it. Ridiculous! Fortunately, I had kept up really well with the reading, so I did pretty well. All in all, I did come out on top. This week of midterms is now over, and I did not have to break the rule I have given to myself. It all worked out!

Ode to Juanita

My first semester of college, I was starting to get tired of dealing with people. I had unfortunately had a couple of experiences that persuaded me to be more anti-social. What could I do to fill the void that I was creating for myself? Make new friends? Sure, but that required effort. I would have loved to get a dog, but my schedule didn't really allow for the training of a new puppy. Plus, I lived in a student apartment complex that wouldn't allow dogs. After thinking for a while, I decided to get a Betta fish. Sure, they're not very fun to snuggle with, but it would be nice to have someone "on my side" if things were to go sour with roommates or something. I texted my neighbor (who had a car) and asked her to take me to Wal-Mart so I could buy a Betta. I searched through the selection--which was pretty good for Wal-Mart--and decided on a little pink, red, and blue one. She became my little Juanita. For the first couple of days, she didn't seem to be doing very much, even for a fish. She just stayed in one spot and didn't do much. My neighbor finally told me, "Wal-Mart drugs the fish they have so that they don't have to feed their fish as much. Just wait a while and the drugs will wear off." And it was the truth. Boy did she move! Juanita was a perfect-fitting name for her. She would zip around the bowl and then spread out her fins. She loved flipping those things around. She was so fun just to watch! I would catch myself looking up from my homework at her for quite some time, watching her stop and then decide to zoom around the bowl.

Lately, she has taken to poking around in the rocks at the bottom of the bowl. One morning, I heard a bunch of the rocks move, and I couldn't see my little Juanita in there anymore! I couldn't see where she had gone! I searched around, and finally I saw that she dove completely into the rocks. I took a pen and moved all the rocks to see if she was alright, and she wriggled out just like she usually does. Now that I'm in a new apartment complex, I'm actually not supposed to have fish anymore. I decided that every time we would have clean checks that I would simply hide her in my closet. Yes, my little Juanita became an illegal alien.

Today, however, she ventured again into the rocks. She dove into the rocks wholeheartedly, just like before. I was not there to save her. I came home and couldn't see her in the bowl again, so I looked down at the bottom. There she was, in between all the rocks at the bottom. I took a pen a moved the rocks, but she didn't wriggle out like she did before. Yes, she finally met her Maker today. So this is to my poor little Juanita: thanks for being the best and most enjoyable fish I've ever or will ever own. It was a pleasure taking care of you. You had your own personality, and I'm glad I got to know you. You're off to new adventures now!